Monday, June 15, 2009

Feeling lost!


What a weekend!

Hello Everyone!! Glad to be back at home to the wilderness of song and green.
I try to keep myself from getting too personal about my life but hey I need to open up to you. I need to express myself somehow and if that means express myself here, well, that's exactly what I'm going to do, that's right. There's so much I would love to share but how, where to start, I don't know. You see, I've been trying to keep my cool about certain things. Trying to be less emotional, less sensitive. The more I tell myself this how I want to be the, the more, I am. It's exhausting! Trying to be strong for other people. Let's see, mmmm! okay my weekend with family in the city. I don't know if I have changed but I felt a familiar discomfort. And I did not like it. And what I mean by the discomfort, a discomfort I had felt years ago. I felt lost, alone insecure and tired. I was upset for feeling the way I did. I felt guilty even selfish. Saturday we met my family in the city of Manhattan at a cafe called Dogos to have brunch. I was excited to see them especial being together again. My mother my brother and my little niece were so happy to see me. I felt my significant other quiet distant even a bit uncomfortable, that concerned me quite a bit but I guess that's normal cause I felt that way when I first met his family so I understand. It wasn't his first time meeting. He has met them before. But he explained why he felt that way. Anyways the day took a turn after brunch. I decided I wanted to take the opportunity to buy art supplies. And he went to buy grocery for dinner. He had this plan to make a special dinner for them that night. They had a plan to walk around some more and get the things they needed before they head up to meet us later at 8. While I was in the city I felt claustrophobic the amount of people running around doing what they do, shopping, talking running, the noise, the pollution, the cars and the rain,. I wanted to escape and run as fast as I could to get myself out of there. A feeling I felt years ago when I lived here, is no wonder why I left NY. It drove me crazy! The memories walking through familiar places. I wanted a peaceful place but I couldn't find a spot. I was going to hop on the train but that meant being surrounded by people again. So I took a cab up to Morning side ave. Then there was the PR parade loaded with more people. The cab driver was cranky and rude taking me far way out in a different direction to make more money. I had to walk a few blocks. I got to the apartment of a friend of ours who let us stay for the weekend, that was nice! My boyfriend started cooking. I was feeling pain and bloadness. Having a huge fibroid in my uterus doesn't help. I was worrying about the surgery I'm about to have soon. Hoping that I can get pregnant after. hope they don't take my uterus out. I want a family of my own. It's my goal! So I tried not to worry and get upset and emotional. My family arrived late about 9 0'clock. They ate. My brother was joking around singing my name that I'm a turd and sang fibroid fibroid. I kept quiet still and I wanted them to leave now. I felt tear coming in but held it back. He said I couldn't take a joke that I was too emotional and sensitive. I kept my cool. And They left and I was happy they did but I felt guilty. The end
Pretty silly story I must say. But hey, it is what it is and I'm here at home in the country where I belong. I don't feel lost here, I feel myself connected.